“But to lose one’s
life for another I’ve heard, is a good place to begin….”[1]
I don’t know what I expected when we answered the call to
Foster Care, I’m sure I expected to bring in a child and to love that child no
matter what, to provide for the child’s needs,
and to give a home and security to a child who may have never felt safe. Foster
Care is that a so much more; and definitely not what I expected.
“The work these families do is full of
unbelievable difficulties and unspeakable joys. On a daily basis they carry
both the weight of brokenness and the hope of redemption on their shoulders and
in their hearts. They live, breathe, cry and walk out the Gospel in the
vulnerable lives of these young kids while exposing their marriages, their
children and their community of friends to a warfare unlike any other. It is a
calling - a hard, beautiful, worthwhile calling.”[2]
That quote pretty much sums it up…yes, there are so many things
that are difficult. When you bring a child into a home with new rules (or just
the fact there are rules), new people, new school, new expectations you are
bound to have some difficult moments. It can be equated to culture shock to the
child who has lived a life with no boundaries or expectations. It is possible
the child has come from a home where they raised themselves or their siblings
because the adults around them couldn’t, or wouldn’t. It takes time, lots of
time, to get a child to trust, to let down their guard, to feel safe, to be
loved and to return that love. Many of these kids are used to being given up on
quickly, or never getting a chance in the first place. None of this, or the
behaviors that stem from them coming from hard places, is easy to deal with.
However, despite the struggles joy can be found.
To be able to see a child learn, change, and grow in your
home is a beautiful thing. Seeing them proud about overcoming a pattern of
behavior they had learned, or thriving in school because they have the support
they have needed all along, is such a joy. Watching them make a right choice
after weeks and months of poor choices is such an encouraging moment. Two steps
back but one step forward, always note the progress, the successes, the
breakthroughs; they are there if you are watching. I have considered it a privilege
to see the delight in their eyes on being taken to the zoo for the first time,
or carving a pumpkin, or attending a circus. Many of them don’t get to enjoy
the pleasures of childhood that we all grew up with because they are busy
caring for their parents, themselves, or siblings. How I love to share
experiences with them, as simple as playing a game with them or taking them on
a fun outing. In those times we get to see the potential of these kids and we
get to see what can be done with love, consistency, and time. Sometimes these
little glimpses of hope only come in tiny fragments, but they come, and that is
what keeps us going.
It is hard to explain the emotional exhaustion you feel
taking care of kids that have come from hard places. As the quote above says “on
a daily basis they carry both the weight of brokenness and the hope of
redemption on their shoulders and in their hearts.” The weight can be so heavy
at times. These kids are hurting. You want to be able to make it right but you
can’t. You want to take away the pain they feel from choices others have made,
that have affected them greatly, but you can’t. However, you can love them
through it all, let them cry, let them be angry, let them express their
emotions and then teach them how to express those emotions in a way that is
helpful and not harmful. Give them hope that they can get through this. Show
them you love them no matter what behaviors they are demonstrating. Let them
see that you are there for them through it all, the good and the bad. Offer
them the love they may have never seen before, an unconditional love. This love “keeps no record of wrong”[3],
this can be challenging when you have a child that will hurl insults and use
their words for hurt, but you must remember “hurt people, hurt people”[4]
and they just need a chance to feel love, despite the hurt.
Something else I did not realize is the impact it would have
not just on me, but on my kids, my church, my friends, the school, and even my
current lifestyle. Choices our children have made have negatively affected
those around us. Seeing them make choices that hurt my family and friends is
harder than I expected. However, I have
seen these same people step up and forgive, encourage, and support us and the
kids. Many have come along beside us and met needs we didn’t even know we
needed met. Foster Care takes a team and I have had to learn to let others help
me and not take full responsibility when things go wrong. If you can’t be a
foster parent I encourage you find a way to support a foster child or parent in
your community.
We have had to make a lot of changes in our house, in our
schedule, and in our commitments as we have started foster care. We expected
changes in our household but did not know the extent of these changes. We have
had to make rules that probably don’t make sense to others, we have had to step
back on responsibilities (take on less), and we have to be ready at any moment
for a visit from a social worker, therapist, or any number of people. We have
had to learn to not worry about what others think, but to do what we know is
best for our family. It has made me realize not to be judgmental of situations
around me because no one knows what really goes on in a house and in a family.
You cannot knowo how hard people may be fighting to teach a child to make wise
choices, to fit into society, in a classroom, and/or in a family.
So you may be reading this and thinking, okay, you are not
convincing me that the positives out-weigh the negatives. We have had people
over the last 15 months question why we stick with it. Well, I don’t know that
there is an answer other than this is where we feel called to be. We see these
kids need people who won’t give up on them. We also love because we have been
given an unconditional love from God. “This is how God
showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we
might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved
us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since
God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:9-11
If you want more information about foster care feel free to ask.
Maybe it is something God will call you to. Also, I want to clarify that we are
a level 2, therapeutic home, which means the kids they place with us usually
need a bit more intervention and services (therapy, etc.). So our experience
may be different than someone who is a level 1 home. You can decide what level
of care you are capable of providing. If you can’t be a foster parent you can
always provide respite for a family (respite care does require training and
background checks), provide a meal, and definitely pray!
[1]
Andrew Peterson, “Dancing in the Mine Fields”
[2] http://jasonjohnsonblog.com/blog/ten-simple-ways-your-church-can-serve-foster-families#.WfslKGiPLIU=
[3] 1
Corinthians 13:5
[4]
This quote is attributed to many people, I read it on a friend’s facebook post,
I do not know its origin.
